An Ode For Forgiveness:

We just had a fall out. I don’t know what went wrong. All I wanted to do was to show you that I really do care for you, more than anything else, because I really do. The fact that my steps are limited and my hands are tied really freaked me out. I said to myself, maybe I worry too much. Or maybe I was jealous that you were out there having dinner with somebody else and here I was all alone, worrying about you. Maybe you were right, I worry too much and I should not be thinking too much. 

I never expected that you will lash me for not being able to compose myself. I was not angry and I never blamed you for anything. I was just glad to know that you are out of harms way but I also needed you to know that it was too traumatic for me. Maybe it was the darkness of the night or maybe I was thinking too much. But I totally understand why you acted that way. You dont have to call me tomorrow to seek forgiveness for letting your exhaustion on me. It is not your fault. It's me who've failed to be the best person that you, in the first place, deserve.   

I should have comprehended the fact that you just had a long tiring day, that you just worn yourself out, you are exhausted and that you needed some rest. Having this five year old nagging for your attention would just adds up to the exhaustion. Furthermore you have already told me that you will get back to me as soon as possible and there should not have been any reason for me to cancel my meeting in the first place. Maybe I was too fucked up. I should have been more considerate. 

I should have brought you out of your bad day and cuddled you with a warm hug. I should have let you know how much I was missing you and how much I was craving for your warm embrace and attention. I should have whispered loving words and kissed you out of the fatigue. I should have overwhelmed you with love. Forgive me sayang for not doing all that when you needed it the most. I should memorise all the things that I should be doing, what I'm here for. 

My job was to make everything OK for you and not to make things worse. Maybe I was too busy being emotional and was to busy wiping my tears that I truly have forgotten what I needed to do, what I was supposed to do. Please forgive me for everything that came out of me that caused you pain. Deep from within this tired heart I only wanted you to be safe. 

I have composed myself and sent you a short SMS but I know it is going to take more than that to cheer you up so I jumped out of my bed to write you this ode so that by the time you finish reading this, you would forgive me and take me back into your arms. I just want you to know that I only have you and only you. I love you so much.

I just wish I could have been a better person for you. 

Book Review: Bang Your Head - The Rise and Fall of Heavy Metal

Bang Your Head: The Rise and Fall of Heavy Metal, David Konow, Three Rivers Press, 2002.

I always have been fascinated with both music and history and a book about the history of a particular music is just like killing two birds with one stone. I have read a few books about the history of heavy metal and Bang Your Head is the least elevating one. Of course it was a fun read, but all Rock n Roll books are fun to read. The only thing that made me bought this book is the fact that I have yet to find a book about the rise and fall of the 80’s Cock Rock (Malaysian equivalent to Rock Kapak) scene, and this book, although not as comprehensive and thorough as I hoped it should, contained some murky information about the craze, the 80’s world wide fad, which helped launch MTV to a gainful and profitable broadcast.

Towering hairs and cans of hair sprays, fishnets and spandexes, groupies and backstage passes and the unforgettable Power Ballads and yes, the bands. Bands in the likes of Motley Crue, Guns N Roses, Quiet Riot and Poison took the world by storm. It made its way to the Malaysian shores and before you know it, Search, Wings, Lefthanded and May, just to name a few, became Sunset strip’s little ambassadors.

The book is 496 page thick and the front cover depicts the dullest book cover I have ever seen. Being a person who normally judges a book by its cover (literally), it would have been better if the publisher opted to coat the front cover black and print the title somewhere in the middle white, I would have bought the book right there and then. The cover was sort of a cut and pastes assemble, with zerox quality coloration that I believe for the purpose of going after the old school fanzine feel.

The story telling was light; it gave a good bird’s eye view of the cock rock scene back in the early 80’s; the book was a fun read nonetheless but it could have been better though. Besides the lack of depth, the book was also in short of photos. You do not write a book about Rock N Roll, describe the glorious vista of the legendary Sunset Strip, illustrate hundreds of crazy ass bands and have just a couple of photos in it!

I bought this one Frinday last week. Got it from Kinokuniya, KLCC and it costs me RM60.

An Entry About An Entry:

Some of my close associates expressed to me of their curiosity about that one particular entry. Was it about what they thought it was about? If the answer is of the negative, would you believe me? Smile. I appreciate your concern and your inquisitiveness but the answer would be neither of any. Smile.

Subjectivity is always a profound theme and neither interpretation, if any, should be the ultimatum, thus a definite answer would just spoil the subjectivity of a subject in question. Provocation is always the best approach to spark a debate and a debate would not commence without concern. Having said that, I would also like to point out that subjectivity is also an excellent form of escapism. Smile.

In the Outside:

We have been doing it everyday now sayang and every time we did it, it felt like it was the first time. No one would have thought that we are actually doing it there and every time we done doing it there, this amazing feeling filled my heart. My heart beats faster and you never once fail to make me go around the bend. It was crazy. It was pure fucking holocaust. No pun intended.

And today, you stepped out of the arena. You actually did it. Not once, not twice but three times or more. I lost count because I was left speechless, overwhelmed with this burning desire and this simmering hunger. It sends shivers down my spine each time I thought of that. You in your purest form. Your natural beauty. You were so amazing beyond compare. It was hard for me to explain and even harder for me to put into plain words. Hard. 

But the better it will get as the harder it goes. The deeper it sank the better it flows. We drifted onto dry land and we shall laugh about it for days to come. Reminisce.

Minimal:

I prefer uniformity and order, hence the justly aligned texts. It is enjoyably pleasing to be able to see that the height and weight of each of these paragraphs are equally and evenly distributed. I prefer minimalism and plainness, hence the simple decoration and the plain white background color. 

Simplicity means that it, what ever it is, can simply and easily be arranged. Effortless. It also diminishes the hazards that are bound to happen from not being able to put everything into one system, what ever that thing is. System means order and order means structured tranquility. Structured tranquility means having to open my eyes to a minimal and plain beauty, the natural beauty, the kind of beauty i prefer. Lesser is the risk of anarchism the lesser the risk of having too much to think. Lesser thinking means more space to not think. More space to not think means more time to enjoy and relax and not worry about having to think.