Mencari Cinta:

Seperti yang pernah kau katakan, ada mereka mereka yang menghabiskan seumur hidupnya untuk mencarinya dan ada yang tidak pernah diberi peluang untuk bersua dengannya namun kita berdua telah diberi peluang untuk menikmati secebis daripada apa yang dinamakan...

...cinta.

Hanya ada sepi:

Hidup ni adalah sebuah perjalanan. Ada yang memakan masa dan ada pula yang ditakdirkan singkat. Tiada yang pasti dalam kehidupan. Kita berjalan dan kita mengharapkan dihujungnya akan punya cahaya namun samada kita sempat jumpa cahaya itu atau tidak, tangan tangan Tuhan yang menentukan.

Bertahun tahun kita mencari bertahun tahun kita menanti, diantara mula dan hujung sebenarnya hanya ada sepi. Kita menangis berseorangan dan ketawa pun tak berteman kerana mungkin cahaya untuk kita masih belum datang untuk membawa kita pulang.

Terima kasih kerana menjadi cahaya itu. Samada dapat memeluknya atau tidak, aku tetap mahu berterima kasih kerana diantara mula dan hujung, cahayanya dah aku gapai dan dah dapat aku rasa.

Andai kata aku dan cahaya itu tidak ditakdirkan bersatu, paling tidak sudah sempat aku luangkan waktu untuk bahagia, walau hanya untuk sesaat walau hanya untuk sedetik waktu.

Terima kasih.

I Wonder:

I wonder who will be the first lucky chap that will be invited to read her blog.

Us:

When you are in a relationship, the first and the most fundamental thing that you should commit to your memory is that it involves two persons, which would mean a unity of two hearts, two feelings and two sets of may or may not be distinguished sensitivities or simply put; you and I becoming as one, one fucking entity. There are no more you and I but us. One bloody us.

When you come across a third party (that motherfucker) and are strenuously forced to confront a situation involving your relationship (read you and I), you must have that one consciousness that you are actually representing two hearts, two feelings and two sets of may or may not be distinguished sensitivities (read you and I). Instead of seeing just you, that bugger must be made to see that it is you and I, one bloody us.

Answering to a bloody situation regarding your relationship (read you and I) even though it may turn out to be the best answer you had ever thought possible based on what you alone feels is an act of selfishness. This is because when you are in a relationship (read you and I) and here you are standing against that bloody motherfucker, you must always remember that you are carrying with you two hearts, two feelings and two sets of may or may not be distinguished sensitivities. You can not just go, tell or do to that motherfucker or any motherfuckers out fucking there, things that you thought were right and appropriate based on how you, your heart, your feelings and your set of sensitivities, want the relationship to be perceived by the people you met and neglect the other end of the relationship which is me, my heart, my feelings and my set of sensitivities.

Why? Because a relationship involves two hearts, two feelings and two sets of may or may not be distinguished sensitivities. You and I. Bloody fucking us.

Or Am I Being Too Fucking Sensitive?

Who am I to her? I thought it was ok for me to think that she's exclusively mine. Mind, body and soul. I guess I was wrong. I felt that I am forced to embrace the fact that when it comes to question of feelings, I am no better that anybody else around her. Maybe she didn’t even realize that, what she did. But she made me feel that I am worthless. Maybe I am a worthless fuck when it comes to feelings. Inferiority and insecurity is all over my bloody head. Or am I being too fucking sensitive?

Is it a sin to feel inferior and insecure? I hope not because I can not be perfect although i had been spending each and every second with her trying. As much I can not change the way she deal with those motherfuckers, I too will find it extremely difficult to change how I perceive things under the blanket of my little and stupid inferiorities and insecurities. I really wanted to change all things weak in me but I am afraid that that is the way how I feel when it comes to situations involving you, me and a third person. You can not easily change feelings.

Is it a sin to be jealous? I am a bloody jealous guy and that’s a fact that I have to bear and live with for the rest of my entire bloody life. Why didn’t she just go and confront them in the first place? Tell them that they should not use such words. We would not even be having this shit in the first place for god sake. Is it a sin for me to think that if we had not had the bloody argument, she would not even give a damn about it? And that I just have to accept and live knowing that every fucking wanker in town is chasing her right left and center and she is letting them have a go at it? Or am I being too fucking sensitive?

She could have confronted them first thing after she read it and that could have saved us a whole lotta mess. But she hesitated a while too long because she does not feel that it is her responsibility to prevent things that she had not start. Maybe it is because there is nothing to prevent in the first place. I tried looking at it through her eyes and still could not find a reason that it would not escalate the issue, the consequence of which would into something much more serious than a just mere quarrel.

Or am I just being too fucking sensitive?