Or Am I Being Too Fucking Sensitive?

Who am I to her? I thought it was ok for me to think that she's exclusively mine. Mind, body and soul. I guess I was wrong. I felt that I am forced to embrace the fact that when it comes to question of feelings, I am no better that anybody else around her. Maybe she didn’t even realize that, what she did. But she made me feel that I am worthless. Maybe I am a worthless fuck when it comes to feelings. Inferiority and insecurity is all over my bloody head. Or am I being too fucking sensitive?

Is it a sin to feel inferior and insecure? I hope not because I can not be perfect although i had been spending each and every second with her trying. As much I can not change the way she deal with those motherfuckers, I too will find it extremely difficult to change how I perceive things under the blanket of my little and stupid inferiorities and insecurities. I really wanted to change all things weak in me but I am afraid that that is the way how I feel when it comes to situations involving you, me and a third person. You can not easily change feelings.

Is it a sin to be jealous? I am a bloody jealous guy and that’s a fact that I have to bear and live with for the rest of my entire bloody life. Why didn’t she just go and confront them in the first place? Tell them that they should not use such words. We would not even be having this shit in the first place for god sake. Is it a sin for me to think that if we had not had the bloody argument, she would not even give a damn about it? And that I just have to accept and live knowing that every fucking wanker in town is chasing her right left and center and she is letting them have a go at it? Or am I being too fucking sensitive?

She could have confronted them first thing after she read it and that could have saved us a whole lotta mess. But she hesitated a while too long because she does not feel that it is her responsibility to prevent things that she had not start. Maybe it is because there is nothing to prevent in the first place. I tried looking at it through her eyes and still could not find a reason that it would not escalate the issue, the consequence of which would into something much more serious than a just mere quarrel.

Or am I just being too fucking sensitive?

As Far As We Are Concern:

Who am I? As far as I thought we are concern, we are lovers and I am her lover. Her one and only as she is mine. As far as the others are concern I am just a bloody nobody. Hell, i dont even fucking exist. They do not know who I am thus I am ignorable. An ignorable nobody. Why do I need to show any sign of concern in regard to those whom I do not know or of no business knowing in the first place? The same rule applies to them I think, hell it applies to almost every fucking body, through out the whole bloody world for god sake. They dont have any business wanting to know who her lover is. I am there but I am not there all in the same time thus it is far safer to choose not to see me, to set me aside or to put me behind a thick brick wall if they must, so that they can give her their best shot.

Hey, we didnt know that she's with you, they might say, as far as we are concern she seems to be in a whole lotta mess and she, to us, appeared to be in dire need of us and it just happened that we were there for her, they might launch their assaults with their fullest gallop. And since we were all in it, they might continue, we might as well give it a shot, because in our minds we can sure do a hell better job than you. Hell, you didnt even exist to us, we dont even wanna know how did you do. She had said nothing when we approached her with our undeniable understandings, loving embraces and heart warming poetries, thus we thought, inevitably they might add, she didnt mind.

Who am I? How should I react? How should I feel? What do i need to do? Maybe she chose not to mind but I do. I do mind. But who am I to mind when she chose not to?

The Accidental Dream:

I had a dream this morning and in that dream i was involved in a horryfingly graphic accident. Like a good Jason Statham movie or any movies directed by Guy Ritchie, there were third person view shots from different and cinematographic angles only those people from Festival de Cannes can appreciate. I got cut badly and most of the cuts were so deep, in one you can even see the organs inside. The red blood was now darker and thicker. It was gory and sickening. I did not die in the accident unfortunately.

The last thing i remember i was browsing you page and learnt that you've moved on with your life and i remember not knowing how i was suppose to react. Should i be happy for you or should i be sad for me. Happy seeing that you are happy and smiling again, sad because it was not me who made you smile. Should not i be there? Your happiness, your laughter, your smiles and your glows were all there but i was not there.

Then i thought, maybe this is not a bad thing afterall. Wishful thinking.

Berhenti:

Aku kecewa. Berhenti. Ketenangan itu sudah lama tiada. Berhenti. Bahagia sudah lama pergi. Berhenti. Adakah dia akan kembali? Berhenti. Apakah dia akan kembali? Berhenti. Mungkinkah dia akan kembali? Berhenti.

Tuhan, berilah aku petanda. Walau sekecil cuma. Biar aku tenang. Biar gusarku terbang. Biar senyumku pulang. Aku terlalu menyintai dia. Berhenti.

Kesimpulan:

[monolog]

Melihat dia didalam setiap sesuatu yang pernah dibicara dengannya. Langit. Hujan. Segalanya.

Setiap sesuatu bagai ada dia. Sukar. Gusar. Kecewa. Tidak pernah tiada hari untuk terkenang dan merindui. Sangat dan masih merindui. Terseksa jiwa raga, nafas bagaikan terhenti seketika.

Tak bisa lena kerana terlalu merindui. Tak bisa tenang kerana terlalu menyintai. Sukar. Gusar. kecewa. Noktah. Tanpa dia hidup ini adalah perenggan-perenggan sunyi, sepi dan hidup ini bagai monolog-monolog kosong yang tiada erti.

[bukan monolog]

Lantas aku bertanya monolog itu: untuk apa hidup lagi?